In March 1999 a man living in Kandos, (near Mudgee in NSW) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He
ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.
The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.
He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and
they would take care of it. The following month he decided that it was
about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.
However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.
He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again and said that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now
overdue.
Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake and he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.
Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.
A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.
After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque has bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man then tried to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly 2 hours to convince the clerks that he was not joking - but convince them he did. They subsequently provided statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties the man had been forced to endure during this debacle. The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:
The gas company was ordered to:
1. Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or show
cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a
higher court for consideration under Company Law,
2. Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man,
3. Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients,
whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been,
4. Pay the claimant's court costs; and
5. Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.
Mommy...
Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did
What I was told,
I went to school, I got straight A's,
I even got the gold!
But Mommy, when I went school that day,
I never said good-bye,
I'm sorry Mommy, I had to go,
But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun,
He hit me and another,
And all because Johnny,
Got the gun from his older brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy;
That I love him very much,
And please tell Chris; my boyfriend;
That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister;
That she is the only one now,
And tell my dear sweet grandmother;
I'll by waiting for her now,
And tell my wonderful friends;
That they always were the best;
Mommy, I'm not the first,
I'm no better than the rest.
Mommy, tell my teachers;
I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this,
And please don't let this pass.
Mommy, why'd it have to be me?
No one deserves this,
Mommy, warn the others,
Mommy I left without a kiss.
And Mommy tell the doctors;
I know they really did try,
I think I even saw a doctor,
Trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying,
With a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy please remember,
I'm in heaven with the rest.
Mommy I ran as fast as I could,
When I heard that crack,
Mommy, listen to me if you would,
I'm not coming back.
I wanted to go to college,
I wanted to try things that were new,
I guess I'm not going with Daddy,
On that trip to the new zoo.
I wanted to get married,
I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress,
Mommy, I wanted to live.
But Mommy I must go now,
The time is getting late,
Mommy, tell my boyfriend,
I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have,
I know; you know it's true,
And Mommy all I wanted to say is,
"Mommy, I love you."
**In Memory of The School Shootings**
Please if you would,
Pass this around,
I'd be happy if you could,
Don't smash this on the ground.
If you pass this on,
Just keep this in your heart,
For the people who didn't get to say "Good-bye."
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible
headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved
the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that
it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to
press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The
only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He
couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the
knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part
of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new
suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the
salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and
the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34 It would press your
testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an
agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
It Isn't
Easy Being Green
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young
girl who will want to know everything about you."
"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next year -- in biology class."
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